Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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