I hate your face
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
