I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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