I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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