I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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