Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
