Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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