every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
