my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
