your parents love me but you hate me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
