i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
