he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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