The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
