2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
literally had 100 drinks last night.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
