Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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