we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
