I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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