Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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