I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
