In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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