im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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