after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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