I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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