I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
