I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
