Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
