he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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