Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
