Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
