So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
