I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
