I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
