If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
