accomplished twins. life is a go
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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