Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
