true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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