I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Randomize
