Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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