What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
