someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
