I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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