I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
