Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
