im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
