mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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