The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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