just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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