I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
