do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
