Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just invented taco cereal.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
