I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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